The Sasukemobile
by Yamamato
Summary: Everyone wants to ride it, even though the conductor just wants to be left alone.


**The Sasukemobile**

_Everyone wants to ride it, even though the conductor just wants to be left alone._

"Hey, Sasuke!" Sakura chirped, running up to me in the middle of the marketplace, "Would you like to come back to my place?"

I almost snapped back "No" out of habit, then I noticed what she- no- how little she wore. As if she took lessons from that crazy snake woman from the second part of the Chunin exam, I didn't need my Sharingan active to tell that she wore only a trenchcoat. The way it went unzipped down until it hit a point just above a very blush inducing point I remembered from Sex-Ed class.

God, I did not need to know that Sakura's curtains matched the drapes.

"S-see anything you like?" she stuttered, trying to make a sexy pose.

My eyes crawled back up her body, absently noting how the hemming of the coat just barely kept her from flashing the marketplace, and looked her straight in the eye.

"No."

Her face fell and tears welled up in her eyes, but I turned and walked away before that scene could get worse.

I sighed mentally, slipping through the crowd, _'Honestly, if I wanted to date a loser I'd just-'_

"How's my cute little student doing?"

I sighed aloud, turning to face my sensei, "You should what Sakura is wea-"

My brain stopped.

Kakashi just smiled brightly at me.

"I- we- yo- w-wer... What the hell are you wearing?"

Kakashi winked, or blinked at me- I could never tell with that mask, "I think the question you should be asking yourself is- why am I still wearing this?"

My hands snapped up and face flushed red "You're wearing a thong and thigh high boots! Why are you wearing a thong and thigh high boots!?"

Kakashi giggled as if reading one his perverted books, "Is my little student getting flustered?"

Meanwhile, everyone around us went about their business as if one of the most famous Shinobi in the world hadn't just decided to break a few decency laws.

"What the hell is going on!" I shouted.

"Nothing, which annoys me very much! Would you like to come back to my place?"

My mouth fell open, shut itself, fell open again, shut itself, then I walked away without turning back.

I felt the beginnings of a headache as I wandered around in search of an ANBU.

_'Naruto probably must have drugged my water or something, that's the only logical explaination. Where the hell is-'_

A shiver ran up my spine as I heard the words I never wanted to hear again.

"Foolish little brother, you are still as weak as ever."

I whirled around, kunai in hand and Sharingan ablaze as I growled at _HIM._

"What the hell are you doing here! How did you sneak into the village!" I demanded, then, "-Why is everyone just walking around us?"

_HIS_ contemptuous eyes just took in the civilians and ninja walking us by, "They know better than to interfere."

"Then what the hell are YOU doing here!"

_HE_ took a few, slow steps forward as I cautiously put some distance between us, "Because, my foolish little brother, you haven't yet seen me in my full power."

_HE _grabbed the hem of _HIS_ black and red Akatsuki cloak, "Witness the power of a true Uchiha warrior!" and threw it off.

As my brain stopped for the second time in two minutes, a little thought in my head murmured that I would never get the image of Itachi naked out of my head thanks to the Sharingan.

"That is right, little Sasuke, tremble before my power and submit!" Itachi droned.

"What the hell is going on here!?" a familiar voice shouted.

I whirled around, "No Naruto! He... ramen thong?"

My otherwise completely naked teammate beamed, "Yeah! You like it? I wore it just for you! Want to come back to my place?"

"...I'm twelve!"

He shrugged, "So am I, but I'm not making a big deal about it."

Slowly, oh so slowly, I brought the kunai up to my eyes.

"That won't do little brother."_ HE_ said, grabbing my arm.

"Let me go!"

"Yeah! Let my fucktoy go!" that blonde idiot shouted.

It soon spiraled out of control. Rasengans (rasengen?) went flying everywhere, black flames burned down a shop or two, shadow clones popped into existence while joking about gang-banging, the crowd just walked past it all without pause, and I ran my ass as fast and far as I could away from that mess.

Yet despite that somehow everyone I've met for even a second popped out of nowhere and solicited me for sex. It didn't matter how far away from that city we met, their age, or gender. Among other people, Kurenai popped out of a wall and lectured me about the various kinky uses for genjutsu, Lord Tsunade pulled me into the hospital with intent on doing the same, Kiba ran after me- saying something about doing it doggy style, and Hinata walked up to me in a skimpy dress and fainted.

After hours of dodging sex crazed maniacs and explaining in great detail how I didn't want to get thrown in jail for pedophilia to Inari from Wave, I ran to my house intent on barricading myself within. I didn't know what the hell was going on but I would wait it out no matter-

"Sasuke."

"Motherfucker! What is it that you want Gaara?"

The empty eyed red head stared at me, obviously naked- the only thing saving me from getting an eyeful a convenient wave of sand shielding various part from view.

"For you to learn the intimate joys of sand." he droned, face otherwise stone.

"Listen short and freaky! I'm not going back to your house to fuck you! I've had enough of you people asking me that."

He shrugged, "That's okay, your house is just around the corner."

I grabbed my hair in fistfuls, "Why is this happening to me! What the hell is going on!?"

"What do you mean?" the kid murmured.

"Sasuke!" Sakura ran up to me, still in her coat, "There you are! I've been looking everywhere! Would yo-"

"He's mine." Gaara droned without looking at her.

Sakura quickly ran for her life.

"You do realize people will only stop once they think you're in a relationship with someone?" Gaara continued, "And besides, sand isn't that irritating once you get used to it."

I rubbed the bridge of my nose and breathed as deep as I could for a few moments, then-

"So... what _can_ you do with your sand?"

_'Damn my charisma.'_


End file.
